Birthday Cake
by MotionlessInGrey
Summary: Jean and friends are making a cake for Mikasa's birthday! But, as expected, everything goes wrong. We don't own Attack on Titan. Rated T for language. Crackfic.


**A/N: It's Mikasa's birthday, and Jean wants to do something special for her! So he decides to bake her a cake with the help of the SNK crew! Modern AU, does not include Marco or Annie (sorry). **

**This is absolutely a crackfic. **

**Co-written by Samantha and Victoria (yay!)**

* * *

**Birthday Cake**

_Everyone be at my apartment at 10 am sharp. Don't be late. Don't tell Mikasa._

That was what the mysterious text from Jean Kirstein read. It was an enigma to those who received it, but they could assume it had something to do with Mikasa Ackerman's birthday.

By a little after 10 am, which slightly pissed off Jean because he specifically told everyone not to be late, a group of people were gathered in Jean's cramped kitchen. It was actually quite large, but with the number of bodies in the room, it was packed. The group consisted of Levi (which came as a surprise to everyone, but Jean didn't mind that much; he was the only person on time), Eren, Sasha, Armin, Reiner, Bertholdt, Christa, Ymir, and Connie. They were crowded around a cookbook that Jean was holding.

"That one," Jean was pointing to the picture of a large and extravagant birthday cake. A nervous glance was exchanged between a few members of the group.

"You know, Jean, none of us have baking experience?" Armin said slowly, as if talking to a child. Jean wasn't phased.

"Yeah, and?" Jean asked, revealing how much he cared.

"C'mon, Armin! I mean it's Mikasa we're talking about!" Christa pleaded, while flashing bright blue eyes in the blonde's direction.

"Uh," Armin pulled his collar away from his neck and exhaled, "okay."

"Okay," Levi interrupted before anyone else could say anything. "Connie, you go and get the ingredients we are missing. The rest of us will work with what we have."

"Why me? What if I want to cook?"

"Because, brat," Levi said, turning his attention to Connie. "I said so." The look in Levi's eyes quieted Connie quickly and soon he was fumbling for his keys.

"Alright. Someone get out the eggs, and let's get... Crackin'," Eren looked around the room for approval, wiggling his eyebrows while wearing an idiotic grin.

No one approved.

"Shut the fuck up, Jaeger," Levi said and turned back to the cookbook.

"Yeah, seriously," Jean added.

Connie finally managed to find his keys, and after Levi shot him another glare, he was out the door quicker than anyone could tell him what ingredients they needed. "Um," Ymir said, smiling a little. "Should we tell him what to get?"

"It doesn't matter! Just focus on the damn cake!" Jean shouted without turning to look at Ymir, who was reluctantly putting on an apron handed to her by Christa. Said girl also handed one to Sasha, after slapping her hand away from the icing Bertholdt had set out when searching for ingredients, and one to Armin as well.

Armin's discomfort was plastered all over his face, his ears turning red and his eyes widening. "Uh, I don't need an apron, I'm actually-"

"Put on the apron right now you selfish idiot Christa fucking gave it to you nicely so why don't you wear it?!"

"Ymir! It's okay! He doesn't-"

"But it's pink!"

"What's wrong with that, huh?"

"..."

Armin looked down at the floor in defeat. "Fine, I'll wear it..."

Ymir stood up a little straighter after hearing that, wearing a smirk. Christa cautiously glanced from one individual to the other, still concerned about what just happened, and wondering if she should separate them in case they started fighting again. If that happened, there would be no way the cake could get finished in time.

Armin, now clad in a pink apron, was attempting to get around Bertholdt, who was standing awkwardly in front of one of the cabinets.

"Oh, uh, sorry," Bertholdt said, rubbing the back of his neck, still unsure of where to go.

"It's okay, but, could you please move?" A semi-frustrated Armin said while trying to look for different routes around Bertholdt.

"Oh, yeah! Sure!" Bertholdt moved to the right.

Bad choice.

One of Bert's long arms knocked over the bowls that were set up by Jean prior to everyone's arrival. The other arm somehow managed to tear the toaster's plug out of the socket and send it crashing to the ground.

"Agh, shit! I'm so sorry, Jean! I really didn't mean t-"

Jean whirled around and stared down Bertholdt with a glare that could rival Levi's and trying to hold back a rising temper that matched Eren's. "Bertholdt you big clumsy sack of shit! My parents bought that toaster for me! It's top of the line! You think they're going to buy me another thousand dollar toaster? No? Well you'd be fucking correct! What the fuck are you even thinking? Why are you-" The ranting continued, although everyone tuned it out except for Eren, who was enjoying every minute of watching Jean go nuclear.

Reiner, however, decided he was done with all the complaining and pushed a still shell-shocked Berthold into Jean, who was holding a bowl full of cake mix with one hand and a whisk in the other.

Bert slammed into Jean like a torpedo (it certainly felt like one to him) and knocked him across the wooden floors of Jean's kitchen, his bowl of mix now all over his shirt, as well as his floors.

Jean's face was red. Bertholdt's face was somehow redder.

"I-I," Bertholdt began stuttering some sort of an apology. "That time it wasn't me though!"

There was a short silence. "What the fuck do you mean that wasn't you! This is all you!" Jean said, gesturing to the mess around him.

"Bertholdt," Levi snapped. "Go sit over there." Levi pointed to the corner of the kitchen, beside the archway to the living room.

"B-but there isn't a chair there," Bertholdt, who's face was still masked in scarlet, gave Levi a confused look.

"I'm not blind, dipshit."

"Okay," Bertholdt said after some time. He looked down and shuffled over to the corner, stepping over an angry, cake mix-covered Jean.

Christa quickly walked over to help Jean up while everyone else went back to their previous duties.

"Well, someone needs to call Connie and tell him to pick up some cake mix," Jean said, after performing a few stress-relieving breathing exercises.

"On it!" Sasha said, whipping out her iPhone and dialing Connie's number from memory. She stepped past Bertholdt into the living room to make sure the conversation was clear and understandable.

"Okay then, you guys, let's get working and turn up the heat in the kitchen!" Ymir said, throwing a wink in Christa's direction. The room erupted in laughter. Except for Eren.

"That wasn't even a good one!"

"Shut up, Jeager, or I'll beat you like an egg," Ymir said easily. A second wave of laughter took over the kitchen. Eren still wasn't laughing.

Sasha waltzed back in the kitchen, saying that she told Connie what to get. Jean was currently getting out eggs and milk, while Levi, Ymir, and Christa were cleaning up the Bertholdt Massacre. Levi shot glares in Bertholdt's direction while doing so. Bertholdt looked remorseful.

Jean took it upon himself, after setting the eggs and milk out, to clean up the toaster bits. Eren saw his chance.

"I guess you could say that we're... Toast," Eren began laughing after he said this. No one else was laughing.

A particularly sharp piece of toaster was thrown at Eren by Jean. Eren went to Jean's bathroom to try and stop the bleeding.

"I'm back!" Connie exclaimed as he burst through the door, his arms full of grocery bags. Reiner walked over to help him carry the bags to the counter.

"What the fuck is all this?" Levi asked, gesturing to the grocery bags.

"All the stuff Sasha told me to get!"

"Connie... Do you really think we need potatoes to make a cake?" Armin asked, picking up a huge bag of potatoes.

At this point, Jean hit Connie on the back of the head. Connie went to find Ibuprofen for the head ache.

**"**Okay, let's really get started," Levi announced. He began cracking eggs, while Armin and Christa were pouring 1 and 1/3 cups of milk into a measuring cup.

"You think that's good?"

"No," Armin answered Christa, "The recipe said 1 and 1/3 cups. Not just one,"

"I know, that looks like 1 and 1/3!" Christa replied. Armin snorted in response.

"Hardly."

Armin bent over to see the markings on the measuring cup better. He then began pouring a tiny bit of milk at a time to make the perfect amount.

Levi had begun beating an egg when Eren returned. He glanced around the kitchen and noticed that everyone was occupied in one way or another. Eren walked over to Levi, grabbed a bowl and cracked an egg into it. He reached into a cabinet and pulled out a whisk.

Eren matched Levi's steady whisking pace, but Levinoticed. He began whisking a little faster. Eren matched the pace again. Levi then began whisking at an abnormally fast speed. Eren was whisking with so much force he picked up the bowl and cradled it with one arm. Egg began flying everywhere.

Meanwhile, Jean was trying to figure out the oven, along with the help of Ymir and Reiner.

"Have you really never used your own oven before?" Ymir said, one eyebrow quirked.

"Just shut up and help, Ymir," Jean said, while bent over observing the different buttons on the oven. "The directions said to pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees."

"Well, preheat it to 350," Reiner gestured to the oven.

"I would if I knew how," Jean was becoming more and more frustrated with every passing second. He began pressing random buttons on the oven, and soon a beeping noise was ringing through the air.

"Dammit," Jean said.

"What the fuck did you do?" Ymir asked, one eye twitching every time the beeping noise sounded off.

"I don't know!"

"Why don't you just kick it," Reiner said matter-of-factly.

"... No!" Jean said incredulously.

"Well... It's worth a shot," Ymir glanced over at Reiner while saying so. Reiner in turn shrugged his shoulders and wound his foot back. Jean began protesting, but it was too late. Soon the sound of shoe meeting metal filled the air, and the beeping stopped.

Jean opened his closed eyes. He found relief in the fact that the beeping had stopped, but looking at the rest of the kitchen he was concerned.

Since Connie had found the Ibuprofen, he returned to the kitchen. He and Sasha were sitting on the barstools by the counter and were on their second tub of chocolate icing.

Jean went to stop them, but his attention was diverted to a now crying Armin and a frustrated, semi-guilty looking Christa.

"What happened?" Jean said, walking over.

"He passed the 1 and 1/3 cup mark and dumped all the milk out and said he had to start again," Christa explained, "At which point I told him to let me do it, and he said no, and I said yes. Then he sat down on the ground and started talking about how it needed to be perfect for Mikasa. Then I called him OCD. Then he started crying."

Her words came in a rushed heap, with Christa looking remorseful, and Jean wished he hadn't of wasted his time listening to them.

Before he could tell Armin to "stop being a pussy" and "get the fuck up", Jean was interrupted by the sound of bowls hitting the floor.

"Shit..." Eren said, looking guilty.

"Humph," Levi didn't look guilty at all. He held his head high victoriously, obviously believing he had won the whisking contest.

The kitchen was now covered in egg, along with Levi and Eren. Jean was distraught. Connie and Sasha were laughing their asses off. Reiner was chuckling. Armin was still crying. Christa looked horrified. Ymir was smirking, until she noticed Christa. Bertholdt was still in the corner.

"Fuck it, we're getting a store bought cake," an exasperated Jean said while reaching for his egg-covered keys on the kitchen counter.


End file.
